Ada or Ardor: A Family Chronicle Part 1, Chapter 16 (view annotations) |
16 |
Their first free and frantic caresses had been preceded by a brief | |
period of strange craftiness, of cringing stealth. The masked | |
offender was Van, but her passive acceptance of the poor boy's | |
behavior seemed tacitly to acknowledge its disreputable and even | |
97.05 | monstrous nature. A few weeks later both were to regard that |
phase of his courtship with amused condescension; at the time, | |
however, its implicit cowardice puzzled her and distressed him— | |
mainly because he was keenly conscious of her being puzzled. | |
Although Van had never had the occasion to witness any- | |
97.10 | thing close to virginal revolt on the part of Ada—not an easily |
frightened or overfastidious little girl ("Je raffole de tout ce qui | |
rampe"), he could rely on two or three dreadful dreams to | |
imagine her, in real, or at least responsible, life, recoiling with | |
a wild look as she left his lust in the lurch to summon her | |
97.15 | governess or mother, or a gigantic footman (not existing in the |
house but killable in the dream—punchable with sharp-ringed | |
knuckles, puncturable like a bladder of blood), after which he | |
knew he would be expelled from Ardis— | |
(In Ada's hand: I vehemently object to that "not overfastidi- |
[ 97 ]
ous." It is unfair in fact, and fuzzy in fancy. Van's marginal | |
note: Sorry, puss; that must stay.) | |
—but even if he were to will himself to mock that image so | |
as to blast it out of all consciousness, he could not feel proud of | |
98.05 | his conduct: in those actual undercover dealings of his with |
Ada, by doing what he did and the way he did it, with that un- | |
published relish, he seemed to himself to be either taking advan- | |
tage of her innocence or else inducing her to conceal from him, | |
the concealer, her awareness of what he concealed. | |
98.10 | After the first contact, so light, so mute, between his soft lips |
and her softer skin had been established—high up in that dap- | |
pled tree, with only that stray ardilla daintily leavesdropping— | |
nothing seemed changed in one sense, all was lost in another. | |
Such contacts evolve their own texture; a tactile sensation is a | |
98.15 | blind spot; we touch in silhouette. Henceforth, at certain mo- |
ments of their otherwise indolent days, in certain recurrent | |
circumstances of controlled madness, a secret sign was erected, | |
a veil drawn between him and her— | |
(Ada: They are now practically extinct at Ardis. Van: Who? | |
98.20 | Oh, I see.) |
—not to be removed until he got rid of what the necessity of | |
dissimulation kept degrading to the level of a wretched itch. | |
(Och, Van!) | |
He could not say afterwards, when discussing with her that | |
98.25 | rather pathetic nastiness, whether he really feared that his |
avournine (as Blanche was to refer later, in her bastard French, | |
to Ada) might react with an outburst of real or well-feigned | |
resentment to a stark display of desire, or whether a glum, cun- | |
ning approach was dictated to him by considerations of pity and | |
98.30 | decency toward a chaste child, whose charm was too compelling |
not to be tasted in secret and too sacred to be openly violated; | |
but something went wrong—that much was clear. The vague | |
commonplaces of vague modesty so dreadfully in vogue eighty | |
years ago, the unsufferable banalities of shy wooing buried in |
[ 98 ]
old romances as arch as Arcady, those moods, those modes, | |
lurked no doubt behind the hush of his ambuscades, and that of | |
her toleration. No record has remained of the exact summer day | |
when his wary and elaborate coddlings began; but simulta- | |
99.05 | neously with her sensing that at certain moments he stood in- |
decently close behind her, with his burning breath and gliding | |
lips, she was aware that those silent, exotic approximations must | |
have started long ago in some indefinite and infinite past, and | |
could no longer be stopped by her, without her acknowledging | |
99.10 | a tacit acceptance of their routine repetition in that past. |
On those relentlessly hot July afternoons, Ada liked to sit on | |
a cool piano stool of ivoried wood at a white-oilcloth'd table | |
in the sunny music room, her favorite botanical atlas open before | |
her, and copy out in color on creamy paper some singular | |
99.15 | flower. She might choose, for instance, an insect-mimicking |
orchid which she would proceed to enlarge with remarkable | |
skill. Or else she combined one species with another (unrecorded | |
but possible), introducing odd little changes and twists that | |
seemed almost morbid in so young a girl so nakedly dressed. The | |
99.20 | long beam slanting in from the french window glowed in the |
faceted tumbler, in the tinted water, and on the tin of the paint- | |
box—and while she delicately painted an eyespot or the lobes of | |
a lip, rapturous concentration caused the tip of her tongue to | |
curl at the corner of her mouth, and as the sun looked on, the | |
99.25 | fantastic, black-blue-brown-haired child seemed in her turn to |
mimic the mirror-of-Venus blossom. Her flimsy, loose frock | |
happened to be so deeply cut out behind that whenever she con- | |
caved her back while moving her prominent scapulae to and | |
fro and tilting her head—as with air-poised brush she surveyed | |
99.30 | her damp achievement, or with the outside of her left wrist |
wiped a strand of hair off her temple—Van, who had drawn up | |
to her seat as close as he dared, could see down her sleek ensellure | |
as far as her coccyx and inhale the warmth of her entire body. | |
His heart thumping, one miserable hand deep in his trouser |
[ 99 ]
pocket—where he kept a purse with half a dozen ten-dollar gold | |
pieces to disguise his state—he bent over her, as she bent over | |
her work. Very lightly he let his parched lips travel down her | |
warm hair and hot nape. It was the sweetest, the strongest, the | |
100.05 | most mysterious sensation that the boy had ever experienced; |
nothing in his sordid venery of the past winter could duplicate | |
that downy tenderness, that despair of desire. He would have | |
lingered forever on the little middle knob of rounded delight on | |
the back of her neck, had she kept it inclined forever—and had | |
100.10 | the unfortunate fellow been able to endure much longer the |
ecstasy of its touch under his wax-still mouth without rubbing | |
against her with mad abandon. The vivid crimsoning of an ex- | |
posed ear and the gradual torpor invading her paintbrush were | |
the only signs—fearful signs—of her feeling the increased pres- | |
100.15 | sure of his caress. Silently he would slink away to his room, lock |
the door, grasp a towel, uncover himself, and call forth the | |
image he had just left behind, an image still as safe and bright | |
as a hand-cupped flame—carried into the dark, only to be got | |
rid of there with savage zeal; after which, drained for a while | |
100.20 | with shaky loins and weak calves, Van would return to the |
purity of the sun-suffused room where a little girl, now glisten- | |
ing with sweat, was still painting her flower: the marvelous | |
flower that simulated a bright moth that in turn simulated a | |
scarab. | |
100.25 | If the relief, any relief, of a lad's ardor had been Van's sole |
concern; if, in other words, no love had been involved, our | |
young friend might have put up—for one casual summer—with | |
the nastiness and ambiguity of his behavior. But since Van loved | |
Ada, that complicated release could not be an end in itself; or, | |
100.30 | rather, it was only a dead end, because unshared; because hor- |
ribly hidden; because not liable to melt into any subsequent | |
phase of incomparably greater rapture which, like a misty sum- | |
mit beyond the fierce mountain pass, promised to be the true | |
pinnacle of his perilous relationship with Ada. During that mid- |
[ 100 ]
[ 101 ]