Ada or Ardor: A Family Chronicle Part 1, Chapter 18 (view annotations) |
18 |
Not only in ear-trumpet age—in what Van called their dot-dot- | |
dotage—but even more so in their adolescence (summer, 1888), | |
did they seek a scholarly excitement in establishing the past | |
evolution (summer, 1884) of their love, the initial stages of its | |
109.05 | revelations, the freak discrepancies in gappy chronographies. |
She had kept only a few—mainly botanical and entomological | |
—pages of her diary, because on rereading it she had found its | |
tone false and finical; he had destroyed his entirely because of | |
its clumsy schoolboyish style combined with heedless, and false, | |
109.10 | cynicism. Thus they had to rely on oral tradition, on the mutual |
correction of common memories. "And do you remember, a | |
tï pomnish', et te souviens-tu" (invariably with that implied | |
codetta of "and," introducing the bead to be threaded in the | |
torn necklace) became with them, in their intense talks, the | |
109.15 | standard device for beginning every other sentence. Calendar |
dates were debated, sequences sifted and shifted, sentimental | |
notes compared, hesitations and resolutions passionately ana- | |
lyzed. If their recollections now and then did not tally, this was | |
often owing to sexual differences rather than to individual | |
109.20 | temperament. Both were diverted by life's young fumblings, |
both saddened by the wisdom of time. Ada tended to see those |
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initial stages as an extremely gradual and diffuse growth, pos- | |
sibly unnatural, probably unique, but wholly delightful in its | |
smooth unfolding which precluded any brutish impulses or | |
shocks of shame. Van's memory could not help picking out | |
110.05 | specific episodes branded forever with abrupt and poignant, |
and sometimes regrettable, physical thrills. She had the impres- | |
sion that the insatiable delectations she arrived at, without hav- | |
ing expected or summoned them, were experienced by Van | |
only by the time she attained them: that is, after weeks of | |
110.10 | cumulative caresses; her first physiological reactions to them |
she demurely dismissed as related to childish practices which | |
she had indulged in before and which had little to do with the | |
glory and tang of individual happiness. Van, on the contrary | |
not only could tabulate every informal spasm he had hidden | |
110.15 | from her before they became lovers, but stressed philosophic |
and moral distinctions between the shattering force of self- | |
abuse and the overwhelming softness of avowed and shared | |
love. | |
When we remember our former selves, there is always that | |
110.20 | little figure with its long shadow stopping like an uncertain |
belated visitor on a lighted threshold at the far end of an im- | |
peccably narrowing corridor. Ada saw herself there as a | |
wonder-eyed waif with a bedraggled nosegay; Van saw him- | |
self as a nasty young satyr with clumsy hooves and an ambigu- | |
110.25 | ous flue pipe. "But I was only twelve," Ada would cry when |
some indelicate detail was brought up. "I was in my fifteenth | |
year," sadly said Van. | |
And did the young lady recall, he asked, producing meta- | |
phorically some notes from his pocket, the very first time she | |
110.30 | guessed that her shy young "cousin" (their official relationship) |
was physically excited in her presence, though decently swathed | |
in layers of linen and wool and not in contact with the young | |
lady? | |
She said, frankly no, she did not—indeed, could not—because |
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at eleven, despite trying numberless times to unlock with every | |
key in the house the cabinet in which Walter Daniel Veen kept | |
"Jap. & Ind. erot. prints" as seen distinctly labeled through the | |
glazed door (the key to which Van found for her in a twinkle | |
111.05 | —taped to the back of the pediment), she had still been rather |
hazy about the way human beings mated. She was very ob- | |
servant, of course, and had closely examined various insects in | |
copula, but at the period discussed clear examples of mam- | |
malian maleness had rarely come to her notice and had remained | |
111.10 | unconnected with any idea or possibility of sexual function |
(such as for example the time she had contemplated the soft- | |
looking beige beak of the Negro janitor's boy who sometimes | |
urinated in the girls' water closet at her first school in 1883). | |
Two other phenomena that she had observed even earlier | |
111.15 | proved ridiculously misleading. She must have been about nine |
when that elderly gentleman, an eminent painter whom she | |
could not and would not name, came several times to dinner at | |
Ardis Hall. Her drawing teacher, Miss Wintergreen, respected | |
him greatly, though actually her natures mortes were considered | |
111.20 | (in 1888 and again 1958) incomparably superior to the works |
of the celebrated old rascal who drew his diminutive nudes in- | |
variably from behind—fig-picking, peach-buttocked nymphets | |
straining upward, or else rock-climbing girl scouts in bursting | |
shorts— | |
111.25 | "I know exactly," interrupted Van angrily, "whom you |
mean, and would like to place on record that even if his de- | |
licious talent is in disfavor today, Paul J. Gigment had every | |
right to paint schoolgirls and poolgirls from any side he pleased. | |
Proceed." | |
111.30 | Every time (said unruffled Ada) Pig Pigment came, she |
cowered when hearing him trudge and snort and pant upstairs, | |
ever nearer like the Marmoreal Guest, that immemorial ghost, | |
seeking her, crying for her in a thin, querulous voice not in | |
keeping with marble. |
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"Poor old chap," murmured Van. | |
His method of contact, she said, "puisqu'on aborde ce thème- | |
là, and I'm certainly not making offensive comparisons," was | |
to insist, with maniacal force, that he help her reach for some- | |
112.05 | thing—anything, a little gift he had brought, bonbons, or simply |
some old toy that he'd picked up from the floor of the nursery | |
and hung up high on the wall, or a pink candle burning blue | |
that he commanded her to blowout on an arbre de Noël, and | |
despite her gentle protests he would raise the child by her | |
112.10 | elbows, taking his time, pushing, grunting, saying: ah, how |
heavy and pretty she was—this went on and on until the dinner | |
gong boomed or Nurse entered with a glass of fruit juice and | |
what a relief it was, for everybody concerned, when in the | |
course of that fraudulent ascension her poor little bottom made | |
112.15 | it at last to the crackling snow of his shirtfront, and he dropped |
her, and buttoned his dinner jacket. And she remembered— | |
"Stupidly exaggerated," commented Van. "Also, I suppose, | |
artificially recolored in the lamplight of later events as revealed | |
still later." | |
112.20 | And she remembered blushing painfully when somebody said |
poor Pig had a very sick mind and "a hardening of the artery," | |
that is how she heard it, or perhaps "heartery"; but she also | |
knew, even then, that the artery could become awfully long, | |
for she had seen Drongo, a black horse, looking, she must con- | |
112.25 | fess, most dejected and embarrassed by what was happening to |
it right in the middle of a rough field with all the daisies watch- | |
ing. She thought, arch Ada said (how truthfully, was another | |
question), that a foal was dangling, with one black rubber leg | |
free, out of Drongo's belly because she did not understand that | |
112.30 | Drongo was not a mare at all and had not got a pouch as the |
kangaroo had in an illustration she worshipped, but then her | |
English nurse explained that Drongo was a very sick horse and | |
everything fell into place. | |
"Fine," said Van, "that's certainly fascinating; but I was |
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thinking of the first time you might have suspected I was also | |
a sick pig or horse. I am recalling," he continued, "the round | |
table in the round rosy glow and you kneeling next to me on | |
a chair. I was perched on the chair's swelling arm and you were | |
113.05 | building a house of cards, and your every movement was magni- |
fied, of course, as in a trance, dream-slow but also tremendously | |
vigilant, and I positively reveled in the girl odor of your bare | |
arm and in that of your hair which now is murdered by some | |
popular perfume. I date the event around June 10—a rainy | |
113.10 | evening less than a week after my first arrival at Ardis." |
"I remember the cards," she said, "and the light and the noise | |
of the rain, and your blue cashmere pullover—but nothing else, | |
nothing odd or improper, that came later. Besides, only in | |
French love stories les messieurs hument young ladies." | |
113.15 | "Well, I did while you went on with your delicate work. |
Tactile magic. Infinite patience. Fingertips stalking gravity. | |
Badly bitten nails, my sweet. Forgive these notes, I cannot really | |
express the discomfort of bulky, sticky desire. You see I was | |
hoping that when your castle toppled you would make a Rus- | |
113.20 | sian splash gesture of surrender and sit down on my hand." |
"It was not a castle. It was a Pompeian Villa with mosaics | |
and paintings inside, because I used only court cards from | |
Grandpa's old gambling packs. Did I sit down on your hot | |
hard hand?" | |
113.25 | "On my open palm, darling. A pucker of paradise. You re- |
mained still for a moment, fitting my cup. Then you rearranged | |
your limbs and reknelt." | |
"Quick, quick, quick, collecting the flat shining cards again | |
to build again, again slowly? We were abominably depraved, | |
113.30 | weren't we?" |
"All bright kids are depraved. I see you do recollect—" | |
"Not that particular occasion, but the apple tree, and when | |
you kissed my neck, et tout le reste. And then—zdravstvuyte: | |
apofeoz, the Night of the Burning Barn!" |
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